Welcome to nature, where everything is beautiful and also trying to kill you! Whether you're conquering desert trails in Joshua Tree or just strolling through your local forest preserve, one golden rule applies: Don’t. Die. Today.
This isn't a joke. Those "Don't Die Today" signs aren't just for aesthetic Instagram posts—they're a slightly panicked plea from the park rangers who are so tired of explaining to people that water is not optional and that, no, your vibes-based navigation method isn’t reliable. We're talking camping essentials.
So grab your boots, your common sense, and this irreverently serious guide to hiking safely.
1. Water: Like, a Lot of It
Why? Because you are a moist meat sack that dehydrates faster than you think.
Bring: At least 2-3 liters per person for a half-day hike, more if it's hot.
Pro tip: If you're thinking, "This should be enough," double it. Your kidneys will thank you.
2. Navigation: Paper is Not Dead
Why? Phone batteries are like that flaky friend who says they’ll show up and then ghosts you halfway through.
Bring: A paper map and a compass. Bonus: pretend you’re a pirate.
Also: Download offline maps like Gaia GPS or AllTrails if you insist on trusting tech.
3. Snacks: Because Hangry Hikers Make Bad Decisions
Why? That cliff edge looks a lot more manageable when you’re not in a low blood sugar spiral.
Bring: Trail mix, energy bars, jerky, or basically anything that doesn’t require refrigeration or culinary skill.
4. Sun Protection: The Sun is Not Your Friend
Why? The sun wants to roast you like a rotisserie chicken.
Bring: Sunscreen (SPF 50, please), a wide-brim hat, sunglasses, and long sleeves if you’re feeling fashionably cautious.
5. First Aid Kit: Be Your Own Wilderness Nurse
Why? Because you can’t slap a Band-Aid on a rattlesnake bite and walk it off.
Bring: A basic kit with antiseptic, gauze, tweezers, pain meds, and anything your particular health situation might require. Add a tick remover if you're in the right (wrong?) area.
6. Layers: Mountains Play Temperature Roulette
Why? Weather in the wild is like your ex—unpredictable and full of mood swings.
Bring: A moisture-wicking base layer, a warm mid-layer, and a waterproof outer layer.
Even in the desert. Yes, seriously.
7. Light Source: So You Don’t Become a Cryptid
Why? Darkness is not your friend. Unless you want to be a legend in the next local ghost story.
Bring: A headlamp or flashlight, with extra batteries. Phone lights do not count.
8. Tell Someone: Or At Least Leave a Trail of Breadcrumbs
Why? If no one knows where you are, search & rescue has to start playing Marco Polo across 3,000 acres.
Do this: Tell a friend where you're going, when you’ll be back, and what to do if they don’t hear from you. Write it down. Text it. Skywrite it. Just do it.
9. GoFire All Purpose Firestarter
Why? Dying cold is no way to go…also mountain lions, they’re scary AF! People like fire…animals DON’T!
Do this: Pack your waterproof, wind resistant, 8-10 min burning, easy to pack GoFire all-purpose Firestarter.